I'm Breaking In

Last night I had a familiar dream.  I'm back at the UT Austin campus and I'm making different choices than the ones of thirty years ago.  I decide to live in a dorm instead of an apartment.  I sign up for classes I want to take instead of ones I believe will mean I'm talented, smart and confident.  My parents worry about me and call me all the time even when I'm snotty about all the attention.. The registrar's office is up a steep hill and I never climb it before I wake up, but unlike previous dreams, I don't lack one Spanish credit to graduate.   I expect to fail instead of succeed, and I'm old -- every bit of 48 years.

For the past five years or ten, I awaken sad and angry from this recurring dream because I cannot hit the reset button of my youth.  I can no longer be the medical doctor my 'C' in Freshman Chemistry prevented long ago.  I can't go to another college, one smaller and better suited to my learning needs than the Titanic that was U.T.  I can't go back and say no to all those distractions -- one of whom became my husband.  And these are just the university years.  Thankfully, I don't dream too often about my daughter -- the one before she got sick.  How does the subconscious reveal a broken heart?  Even my inner guru doesn't want to go there.

But today I didn't wake cranky but hopeful; I can push the reset button -- not as the young woman (I'd like to go back and tell her a thing or two and give her some good mothering, God knows she needed it), but as the old woman I'm becoming.  Slowly, mind you, but I'm creaking along.  It is just a matter of time.

I hope figuring out the dream means I won't have it again.  While so many dreams for my life are now closed, I'd really like to slam shut youthful regrets.